There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
