put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
