the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
