M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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