worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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