It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
