someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
