I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
