i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
