Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
