I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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