shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
