The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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