Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
