I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
