I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
