so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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