I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
