I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
