Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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