Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
