my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize