well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if only i could text you this smell
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can u get pink eye on your cock?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
