I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
