tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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