Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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