dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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