I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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