Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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