I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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