I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize