What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
