It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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