Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
