sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize