When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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