i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
