According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize