I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
