just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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