I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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