i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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