I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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