My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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