he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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