i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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