i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
