Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
