I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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