If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
