Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
