pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
