lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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