Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
