by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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