so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
