david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
