Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
