he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
