he was CRYING into my vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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